everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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