I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
