I cannot find my penis.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
