As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
