wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
