3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
