i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
