he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We had to coat check the pizza.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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