i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
