1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
