Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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