I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
