3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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