We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
