I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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