I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
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Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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