I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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