so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
