Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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