Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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