True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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