If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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