It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
