my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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