i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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