I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
