i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
