Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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