I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
