my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
