I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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