dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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