So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
