I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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