hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
