i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
