He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
