Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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