I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize