Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
