listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
