Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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