Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
pray to the hookup gods
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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