i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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