chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
