I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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