i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love you. Go after that dick
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