tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
