I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
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You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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