Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
