who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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