Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
