I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
