Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
