The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Is it because I queefed?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
