I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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