I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
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So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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