I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
