Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
